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25
Ways To Confuse Your Professors.
1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise
your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question
incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the
place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade
about proper oral hygiene.
2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall,
to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she
is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and
"Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises
you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because
you're scouting the room for "assassins."
3. If you have an early morning class, get there before
anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress,
and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress
with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep.
Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it
goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze"
button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration
of the class.
4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter
how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything
to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is.
Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing
down all these lies!"
5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into
the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash
into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing
happened. Do this every day.
6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your
desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever
you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling,
"Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic.
Don't return for the rest of class.
7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your
professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls
your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just
kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet
for the rest of class.
8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair.
Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why
me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class,
like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall
down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back
up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now,"
leap up, and run home.
9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five
minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand
up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that
you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer."
Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your
hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question.
Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to
say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your
professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly
irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving
it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave
the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't
believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."
12. Every time your professor stutters do a shot. If
he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more
interesting.
13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it
home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor.
Demand extra credit.
14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks.
Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her
with a water pistol, screams, and run around the room knocking
things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"
15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early,
and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you
can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking
people when the strippers are going to arrive.
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